A Modest Proposal (Or: Flintheart Glomgold Goes to Comcast)
I don't really watch TV, not so much anymore, especially now that digital is becoming mandatory and that means paying for channels I would never watch. Since the freedom to use bunny-ears has been taken away from us, I have decided to stop paying for cable. I've also decided to connect via wi-fi to the Starbucks down the street, so between that and the reality that I don't buy video games anymore, my net entertainment budget is down less than 1% of my income, which is apparently BLASPHEMY to Corporate America, especially for an unmarried white male between 25 and 36.
The reality behind my newfound miserliness is due to the fact that every entertainment mode is now pretty much demanding a "subscription fee" from me, with the exception of my Nintendo DS, which I only ever hook up to the wi-fi in order to download this week's free Professor Layton puzzle. Last week, it was a maaaaze.
I feel that it is actually necessary to state that I, deeply, personally, from the very bottom of my soul, loathe "subscribing" for the freedom to be entertained. I only buy DVDs I care about and I have no intention whatsoever to upgrade to Blu-Ray (probably going to end my association with paying for media with this incarnation... fuck the RIAA, they're a dead horse anyway). If I want to go see a new movie (and why would I? All movies that go to theaters I'm capable of walking to are "event movies," full of shitty CGI and that lame blue filter that Spielberg slaps on everything), I attend during a matinée and smuggle my own snacks in.*
Xbox? Do I need to pay a monthly fee to be yelled at by middle school students? No. World of Warcraft? If I'm paying to play a video game, I'm paying so that eventually I can win it and return it to the store for a partial refund to apply to another game, repeating this cycle ad absurdum. If I can't do that, I'll pirate the game five years down the line and play it on my own shed-yule. If you can't work with me, developers, you're working against me and thus deserving of my disdain.
Yes, indeed. I am what Best Buy internal literature calls a "Devil Customer," a cheapskate determined to squeeze maximum enjoyment out of minimum investment. I'm the kind of feller who buys Totino's Pizzas ten for a dollar, picks off the sub-par toppings and replaces them with actual vegetables yanked from the Food Bank. I don't pay for things I don't enjoy and I don't experiment if I have to pay for the privilege of doing so. I go to Costco on Saturdays and gorge on free samples, one day out of the week I don't have to purchase food. I watch any show I need to watch on Youtube, I hold no religious beliefs that require the investment of a tithe and I've been known to walk a few miles to get a used object from the Craigslist "Free" listings.
I'm cheap. I have no qualms about being so. I think it was the Writer's Strike that put it into perspective for me, but subscription television is just not a bargain when you think about it.
So, my latest cheapness is in my refusal to pay for cable networks that I don't watch. Call me a spoiled member of the Youtube generation (and, yes, you will, since I'm sure that SO many corporate executives read this blog and actually pay attention to what we proles have to say from their insulated yacht anchored off the coast of Dubai). The situation breaks down like this:
- 25% of all networks I wouldn't watch anyway, regardless of how awesome they may be to their niche market (Bravo, Style Network, Golf Network, Nickelodeon, Noggin, any shopping channel).
- 25% of all networks try too hard to garner my demographic and so therefore present noodly focus-grouped bullshit that I actively avoid because I'm a hipster doofus that wouldn't be caught dead watching that anyway, lest my reputation suffer (Spike TV, ESPN Anything, FX, MTV)
- 25% of all networks that act like I owe them a pence daily just out of dearth of being around so long (Any news network, The Weather Channel, the Big Four, WB).
- 20% of all networks that I might be interested in but only in an incidental, post-ironic sort of way (Food Network, Game Show Network, TV Land).
This leads us to the remaining 5%, the only networks I will ever actually want to watch, despite their myriad internal problems and general lack of interest to me outside of "Oh hey, a documentary about Hitler": History Channel, Comedy Central, PBS and C-Span.
That's right.
Those are the only four channels I'm interested in paying for, Comcast. One of them isn't on Basic Cable, so I'm required to order Expanded Cable if I want to watch History Channel. Locally, that's $40 a month.
Forty of my dollars.
A month.
For four channels.
That's ten dollars a month to watch "History's Mysteries". Ten bread a month to watch "The Colbert Report," ten balloons a month to watch "Charlie Rose," ten smackers a month to watch "Book Notes".
If I break down my "List of things to spend my money on," which I keep laminated in my wallet so that it isn't ruined when it goes through the wash, it's just not worth it to me.
The proposal, therefore, Comcast, is that you give me something to spend my money on, or I'll go elsewhere. And you're not. You're not doing anything about the fact that these networks then expect us to stay and pay attention to the ADVERTISEMENTS, which we're ostensibly supposed to be enthused by (really though, how often can you tell us that any given product exists? We can see it on the shelves, we know it does).
The contrary proposal, assuming Comcast (or whoever your cable company happens to be) doesn't pay attention (and why would they from that yacht in Dubai?) is that we stop paying for entertainment entirely unless they find a way to make entertainment entertaining and therefore worthy of our ::Realbucks::. The library is free. It's not difficult to get the Internet for free if you live in an urban area. A box of Legos doesn't require a subscription. Sex is always a great option. Whatever, I'm doing my part to drag down those at the top who pay no attention to those of us at the bottom, and so should you.
Steal entertainment today!
*In response to me and my hated ilk, the theater chains have started phasing out actual employees, and automate their snack counters. I hate automated anything. Do not automate things. You may automate things when I get my maid robot like in The Jetsons. Until then, I will avoid your skinflinty ways in favor of my own, superior skinflinty ways.
