Monthly Toy Round-Up: Conan, Lead Dora, Castlevania
The first of Seckscab's Monthly Toy Round-Ups kicks off with a visit from Conan the Barbarian, lead poisoning by Dora the Explora, and Castle(Awesome)Vania.
Worlds of wonder indeed, Geeks of the Week! It's time to talk about this month's toys. As the only geek on staff with any area of expertise in this subject (working at The National Toy Chain That Shall Not Be Named), I can guarantee you at least a modicum wad of fun as we carefully maintain the facade that toys are a respectable purchase for adult Americans of a certain tax bracket.
Remember now, we're in a new era. Comics are called "graphic novels", video games are called "massively multiplayer organic roleplaying games" and action figures are called "poseable statuettes". Sort of. It's amusing that a generation ago, the term "action figure" was in and of itself an attempt to not call them "dolls". We can thank George Lucas for that.
Now, onwards and upwards to a new reality INDEED!
CONAN THE BARBARIAN
This one has a moderately thrilling backstory to it, if you're nerdy enough to care. A few years ago, Toybiz got the contract to make the now classic "Marvel Legends" line, the concept being, of course, to produce the "ultimate" action figure for nearly every Marvel comics character ever conceived, from Aardwolf to Zzzax, stopping to do at least a new Wolverine every year because everyone knows he's the only one the kids know about these days.
Well, Toybiz finally did their crappy reputation good, and produced what is admittedly the greatest line of superhero action figures ever made. They proudly boasted at least 32 points of articulation on each figure, and neat goodies like dioramas and teeny "fun" figures (Howard the Duck being one) included. Sales were incredible, and, of course, Marvel had to be mercenary about it. They sold out to Hasbro at the first opportunity.
To add insult to injury, of course, Toybiz changed their name to Marvel Toys shortly before the handover. The irony was not lost on anybody that Marvel Toys could not now produce Marvel toys.
So what's Marvel Toys to do? They decided to keep on keepin' on. They sought out other, less known comic franchises, and they've started with Conan the Barbarian, which although was a Marvel property for years, was handed over to Dark Horse in the 80s. And hence we get our toys.
Conan the Barbarian, and his [friend][enemy][nemesis][groundskeeper][dogwalker] "Wrarrl". I'm not entirely sure if I know what or who Wrarrrlarrlrl is. I assume his name rhymes with "Carl". Regardless, he's fucking sweet, and the toy I'd rather buy over Conan. Sadly, they make you buy a two pack WITH Conan.
I assume that Uncle Wrarrl is like some sort of old timey penny dreadful Skeletor. Although what concerns me is that he's wearing the helmet of Galactus, spraypainted black. Sad kitty face.
While I haven't actually PLAYED with these toys yet (my damnable employers have a policy against "opening" "the" "packages"), my past experience with Toybiz warns me that these are likely to have loose/squeaky ball joints. My Dr. Doom, my favorite action figure ever, has one leg that just droops there like a dead goose hanging from an elementary school American flag, and one leg that is permanently in "Jeet Kun Do Kick" position. I like to pretend that Dr. Doom has an advanced form of MS.
MAKE CHILDREN EVEN STUPIDER WITH DORA THE EXPLORER
...and Sesame Street. But we already know Dora the Explorer makes them stupider, now we have visceral, identifiable proof. If you haven't heard the news, a literal plethora of Sesame Street and Dora the Explorer toys have been found to contain an obscene amount of lead in them. Like, White Lightning levels of lead. And here, "White Lightning" refers to illegally produced grain alcohol, not the Wal-Mart store brand Seven-Up, although I only say that because my inquiries into the lead levels in Wal-Mart's soda have gone unanswered.
I'm looking at you, Dr. Lightning.
Still, there's something really ODD about the reaction to this recall in the media, one fueled by terror and a wee bit of corporate needling on the behalf of xenophobic Fox News.
First off, consider this video:
Vomit inducing.
I don't know if you caught it, but they called Fred Rogers an "evil, evil man", and are outraged that Sesame Street dared to make education "fun". HOW DARE THEY?! Well, it gets worse. Fox News, fear mongering at the lead content in the toy franchise of a show held by VIACOM, their archnemesis, Dora the Explorer.
Add in the sneaky yellowish reddish menace, China, and you've got the recipe for OBFUSCATORY HYSTERIA in the middle of an unpopular war. Blame the mistake of the toy companies, sure. That's the point of a recall. It gets dangerous things off the shelves, and amen for it. But then don't go on and paint it as a symptomatic communist plot to poison our children and force them to drink flouridated water while Jesus weeps and Satan laughs.
It's just a recall. These things happen. And, if you want to get down to the nitty gritty, the dude who ran the toy company committed suicide, so you've got your pound of flesh, assholes.
The whole rant about whether or not today's students have it easy is just another move by the cockblocking conservatives to prevent anyone from ever having any fun ever. Students wouldn't need to freak out over their grades if they weren't under the tyranny of No Child Left Behind, where there's nothing BUT grades to worry about. But then again, that's another rant for another time, and I'm being paid* to write about toys.
CASTLEVANIA MANIA!
I close this Downer-Fest with a seriously AWESOME upper: Castlevania toys.
Quite the opposite of the articulation fetish, the Castlevania figures embody my well-publicized "accessory fetish".
That's right! Alucard, Simon Belmont, Dracula and even the Succubus and Flea-Man get a series of awesome figs. Almost as awesome as the toys themselves are the goodies you get with them... rosaries, holy water and... YES... WALL TURKEY. Toy company: send me fifty of these and I swear that you'll never have a bad review ever. Whoever you are. I don't care. They could be 100% lead and I wouldn't care.
I'd buy DAT fo a dolla!
*not paid
