You all lied to me.
What the hell you guys? I cannot abide this breach of trust. My faith in humanity is so completely shattered. Transformers, the movie that most of you either said I would "probably like" or "is really actually good", is actually completely awful. Yeah, it's been out a couple weeks but I just saw it tonight and I wish to express my outrage to you all fully. I don't go to movies. You know why? Because the whole experience is horrible. Always. Without fail. Tonight not only was I treated to a completely inexplicable exercise in "how much shit can we shove into a Maya render so that it's completely unrecognizable", but cold stale popcorn that was way overpriced, and a woman next to me who thought every little bit of the movie was so enjoyable she could only express her glee through clapping.
I didn't walk in to the movie expecting something amazing. Heck, I'm not even a very big Transformers fan. What I expected, however, was something at the very least visually impressive, and tolerable. Hoo boy, was I wrong.
Let's address the visuals first, here. Critics have said grandiose things like how Transformers is going to change the effects industry the way Jurassic Park did in the 90's. You see the thing about that is I could actually tell they were dinosaurs in Jurassic Park. Transformers' robot battle scenes are so incredibly convoluted, zoomed in and shaky I had a hard time even comprehending what I was seeing. Was I seeing one poorly designed character that vaguely resembles a truck, or was I seeing the other poorly designed character that vaguely resembles some sort of anthropomorphic space vagina? Who knows! They all look like those stupid LEGO spinoffs, Bionicle - gangly super hyper stylized flashy shards of metal or something. I would have been able to pay much better attention to the action if I were looking at solid objects. But nooooooo. I like giant space robots. I like them even more when they are battling. I just want to be able to SEE said giant space robots.
Also, I wasn't expecting Shakespeare out of a Michael Bay movie, but I certainly wasn't expecting the gaping plot holes, super contrived action movie dialog and HORRIBLE ACTING. I wonder if any other major motion picture has had so many meaningless, stereotypical, cliché ridden secondary throwaway characters. Sure, Shia Lebouf was good in his role, but maybe that's just because his role was written by a 12 year old. There were no relate able moments in the movie, as much as they tried with the whole masturbation bit. The love interest was pretty non-existent, where did his best friend go off to, why were they shoving brand names down our throats, why was the Sector 7 guy some sort of random unfunny comic relief, and why did the little spider robot have to say "oh shit" when it died?
The whole movie I just sort of shook my head. Screw you, Michael Bay. Screw you for wasting so much money on this horrible, miserable piece of tripe. It could have gone to so many better places. Just.... ugggh. I can't believe some of you actually liked it. This was intolerably bad. So bad! SO BAD.
I will never trust your judgment again, Internets!
