How to Deal with Smack Talkers
Rocket whore! Camper! Yeah, you're my bitch now! Triple kill, motherfucker!
Are these words and phrases all too familiar to you? Then you probably play video games online, particularly on Xbox Live. As we all know, the internet allows for anonymous multi-player game action. And for some reason, it brings out the worst in people. You want to go online and play a nice game of Halo 2 or Uno or something and be able to play against people without having to invite their smell into your home. 95% of the time, you're going to end up playing with people who repeatedly want to call into question the moral standings of your mother.
We've all played against this guy. It's irritating and it can really piss you off sometimes. What happened to good sportsmanship? It goes both ways. If your opponent wins, they'll jeer at you at tell you how much you suck and how hard they owned you. If you win, they'll complain about the validity of your strategy and tactics, or even accuse you of cheating.
It's hard not to get into it with these people; to play their game. Sometimes it just gets to be too much and you cuss right back at them, calling them names, and dropping right down to their level. It's human nature. The problem is that if you give in to these temptations, then you're just fostering an environment of jerkfacedness. Now, some people will tell you to just ignore them or put them on mute. That's boring and lame. If you want to react to these jerks, you have to be creative about it. Hit the jump to read the best methods to deal with online assholes.
Have your own argument.
AKA: The Louis CK
One of my favorite methods, this little gem is blatantly stolen from the stand-up routine of Louis CK. People want to get mad at you and yell at you. It's going to happen and you want to yell back. But it's better to argue about something else entirely to just completely throw the person off their mean streak. For example, if someone is accusing you of hacking or whatever, just yell back at them "Oh yeah? Well you have my jacket and I want it back! I said you could borrow it, not keep it!"
This one is practically guaranteed to make a person forget why they're so upset. It just completely throws them off. You're being angry with them, which is what they want. They crave the confrontation. But you're going off in a different direction and they just don't know how to respond any more. About half of the time, they'll just be baffled and be all, "wait...what?" A quarter of the time, they'll play along and join your argument, talking about how they really like the jacket and you're never getting it back. The rest of the time, they just shut up and go away because you've completely defused the situation.
Playing on their homophobia.
AKA: The Brokeback
The absolute most common insult hurled online is to question your sexuality. Play any online game for more than 10 minutes and you're sure to have someone call you a gay, a fag(got), a fairy, a queer, or a sodomite. Ok, maybe not the sodomite one, but you get the idea. Personally, I have never understood how being called gay is supposed to be some kind of insult. It's no big deal. Some people are gay, some people aren't. Whoop-de-freaking-doo. So since these people are apparently so disturbed by homosexuals, I love to play along and pretend that I am indeed gay. It's a great tactic because they're trying to piss you off and you're just agreeing with them. I think going the full on flamer/lispy act is a bit over the top, so I either usually keep my normal voice or make it even more deep and gruff and tell them how I am gay as gay can be and that I want to perform gay sex acts on them. Hell, sometimes not even sex acts. Just tell a dude you wanna kiss him and if he's a dirty homophobe, he'll usually shut right up. Sometimes I'll go with the voice of that creepy old man from Family Guy because I can do it pretty well.
Pretend you're on their team..
AKA: The Benedict Arnold
This one is only for use when your team just got stomped. In these occasions, the other team will usually come on in the post-match and tell you how bad you got owned and that you're all a bunch of noobs. It can be really frustrating because maybe you are new at the game and haven't had a chance to get good at it, or maybe you're just having an off day. What I like to do is to join in telling your own team how bad they got beat. It'll usually make your opponents laugh and it can actually be pretty cathartic for yourself. A variation on this technique is to turn the tables on the winning team and tell them how hard they got owned. No matter what they say, repeatedly insist that your team won. Don't be facetious about it all. This one has to be performed completely dead pan, totally serious in the belief that the scoreboard at the end of the game is indicating victory for your side.
Talk about random crap.
AKA: The Non-Sequitur
A personal favorite of mine, the Non-Sequitur is good for defusing an angry jerk as well as lightening the mood. Just start talking about the weather, how cute your dog is, what celebrities you think are hot, whatever. You can go into a full conversation or just spout one-liners. My prefered line is just "I like ham." because frankly, I'm quite fond of ham. I had a nice big 7 pound ham in the crock pot to snack on over the Christmas season last year. Mmm, ham.
Be friendly beyond reason.
AKA: The Mister Rogers
This one is fun to do any old time, not just when other people are acting like jerks. This isn't just being a nice person, which you should be doing in general anyway. This is being much too friendly. Constantly compliment your opponents on their skills. Ask if you can be their friend and if you can come to their birthday parties. In games like Halo 2, constantly tell them "No, no, no, don't shoot, I wanna be your friend!" as you run up to them. On rare occasions, you'll actually find people who will go with it and not shoot you. In a case like this, just keep it up. Go into their base, hang out with them, tell them how cool they are and what a nice place they have here. Don't suddenly turn on them and shoot them when they're not looking. You won't get to go back from that. You have to play it all the way through, just sitting there, chillin' like Matt Dillon on penicillin.
The next time you're on Live and some buttface tries to get your goat, go ahead and try one of these moves on them. Let me know if you get any good results. Also, post a comment and tell us about any of your favorite techniques for these situations.
