Travelogue of Dissonance: Planning Your Family's Visit to Castlevania
SexualCabinetry doesn't like to leave his house very much, but when he does, it's usually to some godforsaken place where the dollar still means a damn. He wrote this article after beating himself mercilessly in the head with a bat. Not a baseball bat, but a very real, very alive, bat.
WELCOME TO CASTLEVANIA.
For breathtaking vistas, romantic evenings on the veranda, a lively cultural center and a giant ball of zombified bodies attacking you with magical laser beams, Castlevania is the travel destination for discriminating gourmands and adventurous backpackers alike. We, the Castlevania Tourist Bureau, invite you to visit our wondrous country, partake of our local delicacies, interact with our metropolitan citizens, kill vampires, sample many of our historic Eastern European masterpieces of architecture, and shop for our world renowned potions and wall-turkeys.
Since time immemorial, the Castlevanian lands have been the crossroads of European culture. The cultural character of Castlevanian cities, villages and spa towns has always been a source of inspiration to visitors and guests, who come here from all corners of the world. The Castlevanian Republic, among the youngest in the family of European countries, was born on August 11th, 1999 (July 1st on the old Japanese calendar), when the Castlevanian Federal Republic split into two independent states, the Castlevanian Republic and Volcano Level, coinciding with a total solar eclipse and the mass suicide of 73,000 Greek Orthodox church members.
After a robot successfully defeated the royal family of Volcano Level, the Castlevanian Republic renamed itself following the resurrection of an extradimensional castle owned by undead plutocrat and American expatriot, Count Dracula. Although Castlevania, as it is now known, is a new country, it has deep historical ties and an indigenous culture that can't be forgotten once experienced.
Since May, 2004, Castlevania has been a member of the European Union; it has been a full-fledged NATO member since 2002. (The country has not adopted the Euro yet, however, and still uses its national currency, different colored coins that fall out of lamp posts.)
Even though Castlevania's area of 78,864 square kilometers (about 30,450 square miles) ranks it among small countries, its wealth of natural beauty and monuments of cultural heritage contribute greatly to its global prestige as a major cultural destination.
Geographically, the country (population: 10.3 mil., 10.1 of which are undead) and its historical lands (Dark Basement, Zombie Village. Nation of Fools, and Sandy Grave) are divided into 14 local administrative units controlled by regional administrations, or "bosses". Each boss is elected for life, and can only be removed by beating them mercilessly with whatever weapons may happen to be left around in their district. By Castlevanian law, all bosses must supply a sample of their physical weakness within 50 yards of their person at all times.
In addition to the administrative units, there are 14 tourist regions dotted with charming towns, castles and chateaux (the most per square mile of any country in the world!), ancient villages and, of course, many spas, all waiting to be discovered. After discovering one, it's place on the map is crossed out, and the tourist will be allowed to choose between two nearby destinations. For further details, please consult our handy "Castlevania Destinations and TOP SECRETS" guide, published by BradyGames.
Castlevania deserves more than three days! But even such a short time should give you just enough time for a romantic getaway, a relaxing stroll through the parks, and some unforgettable sightseeing. Don't forget your whip and your holy water!
Castlevania is a great walking city, and we recommend that you bring comfortable, thick-soled shoes because the cobblestones, though pretty, can really make your feet ache after a few hours. Should you accidentally remove one, and find a heart or a turkey leg underneath, feel free to take it as a souvenir of your visit to our lovely country.
However, there is a solution for everything. If you are feeling tired, you can hop on public transportation, which is easy to use and very reliable. Also, the Castlevania Card, a three-day tourist pass combined with a public transit pass, will help you save time and money.
We start our tour in Zombie Village (Vaclavske namesti), the commercial center and historically an important meeting point for the simple zombie people of Castlevanian heritage. If you look uphill, you will see the two important monuments – the Statue of St. Zombulator on horseback (the Castlevanian patron saint was killed by his own brother, later rose from the dead, and killed his own brother after already being killed) and the National Museum, essentially a museum of natural history (peek inside for a glimpse of the splendid interior) behind the statue. Facing the Museum, on the far left side is the blocky modern building of the former National Assembly, currently the headquarters of Radio Free Castlevania, and even further down on the left you will find the Castlevanian State Opera, one of three opera houses in the city. If you should happen to gouge your own eyes out, a nearby merchant should be able to supply you with a pair of goggles or a special hat that prevents status effects.
As you walk down the square (which is a wide boulevard rather than a square) towards the spires of Old Town, take a right at the bottom of Zombie Village Square and enter the pedestrian zone, Bat Haven. Walk a block and when you reach the irresistible combination of a casino, a McDonald’s, and the Museum of Communism (worth seeing, by the way – the exhibit is truly informative and not the least bit tacky), be swarmed by several thousand bright pink bats, take a peek into the street on your left and you will see the beautiful pistachio-green building of the Theater of the Estates, where Mozart personally conducted the premiere of his Don Giovanni in 1787, just before being ripped apart by a pack of skeleton pikemen. Across the street from the Estates’ Theater is Karolinum, the administrative building of Charles University, founded as early as 1348, making it one of the oldest universities in Europe. Walk towards Ovocny trh (“Save Point”), and at the end of the triangular square you will find the well-known Cubist landmark, House of the One Thousand Ways To Be Killed With A Bone, home to the recently opened Museum of Castlevanian Cubism.
If you take a right here, you will be heading towards the Gothic Tower and the Municipal House, one of the Castlevania's most famous Art Nouveau buildings. The building is home to Dancing Skeleton Symphony Orchestra, a gallery, and a nice souvenir shop, but you can also enjoy a coffee and turkey leg or a delicious meal in one of the three restaurants (two on the ground floor and one in the basement, all of which serve turkey legs). A tour of the building’s gorgeously-appointed rooms (with Art Nouveau murals, mosaics, rich textiles, a moaning mosaic of undead skulls and incredible chandeliers) is highhly recommended, but inquire about tour times in the information center first.
Returning back to Zombie Village and running for your life away from the Municipal House, you will be following the original coronation route (“The Royal Route”) that will take you to Old Town Square, the heart of the historical center and home of innumerable attempts to summon Pazuzu from the dark depths of Erishkigal's cold clutch, and uphill to Dracula's Castle.
In Old Town Square, you will find the gothic spires of the Haunted Church, the statue of the religious reformer Ivan the Bloodthirsty (who was burned at the stake by the Catholic Church in 1415 for blasphemy and the eating of babies), and an absolute “must see”, the Astronomical Clock. At the top of each hour, the twelve apostles take turns peeking out from two small windows above the clock. At the same time, figures symbolizing Death, Vanity, Greed, and Trevor Belmont placed around the clock move with the sound of the clock. The square invariably fills up with eager tourists before the “performance”, but you can get an equally good if not better view if you're actually
For a great view of the square and surrounding area, pay the small admission fee and take the space-age Warp Zone to the top of the Dracula's Castle Pinnacle; make sure you have your camera with you, as the views are phenomenal. It is here where you'll kill your archnemesis, Count Dracula, by throwing holy water at him until he starts to flash bright pink, at which point the Castlevanian Tourist Bureau suggests you throw a few axes at him. For more on killing Count Dracula, please see our handy booklet, "TOP SECRET Tips and Hints to Kill Count Dracula", published by BradyGames.
Once you are done with your sightseeing, you might want to enjoy the spectacular views and excellent food of the Screaming Gargoyle Restaurant, situated on the top floor of the Hotel Intercontinental just a few steps from the Werewolf Quarter, or spend a relaxing evening at any number of stylish restaurants (Pile-o-Worms, Poison's, Café La Sataniste...) or bars nearby.
We hope that this pamphlet has enticed you to visit our wonderful country. We welcome you, and pray that you take this enclosed rosary, for your mother's sake. 
